You know when you’re going through a period in your life when you’re a bit bored, and to be honest, it feels like there’s a bit of a drought going on, what do you do? Give online dating a shot of course!

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who makes crazy, impulsive, random decisions with their life?

I don’t know what I was thinking. The drought hadn’t even been that long. At most a couple of weeks. Alright, I’ll hold my hands up! I just wanted to try something new! There, my admission is on the table, should I even continue?

So that urge to do something ridiculously impulsive, which I have quite often, (yesterday I had the urge to open a free school. I’ll have it up and running in a year ya’ know!), took hold of me, and next thing I know I’ve signed up for this online dating website, have a profile with the best picture I could find and I’m having to block a load of weirdos! Actually, that’s a bit harsh, surprisingly the weirdo men were few and far between.

What I loved about this online dating adventure was that I got to choose exactly what I was looking for. So my criteria was a non religious man in his thirties, (that would be different now, as you know from my previous posts I’m only after the toy boy!) and I wasn’t fussed about looks, (obviously not so bad that I have to put a paper bag over his head!). I made it clear that if they were looking for a partner to have kids with they were barking up the wrong tree. Been there, done that, and have more than one t-shirt thank you very much.

So I managed to sift through all of the losers thinking I had mug written across my head and actually started chatting to some guys who seemed as ‘normal’ as me and had profiles that weren’t a load of cods wallop.

Low and behold, I then came across a guy who lived quite local to me, same age range, he had a kid and worked in a similar field to me. He wanted to exchange numbers, so we did! He had a delicious French accent. We spoke (mainly me!) for an hour so I figured it must be real because it would be pretty hard to pull off a fake accent for that long! At the end of our chat and all the ‘voulez vous couchez avec moi’ (no! I’m lying! Just wanted to throw in some francais!). Sorry, at the end of our chat we arranged to go on a date.

I want to say we had a very pleasant date, but the word pleasant means ‘giving a sense of happy satisfaction or enjoyment’, so let’s just say the date was not unpleasant. We spoke, drank wine, I laughed a lot, at my own jokes, he was boring. Anyway, he wanted to meet again so I agreed. He wasn’t weird or crazy and I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Maybe he was shy and there was a personality hidden somewhere. Deep. Down. In. The. Depths. Somewhere.

Date number two arrived and we met in the West End. I wanted to arrive early so I could do some shopping at Bravissimo, the big booby bra shop but as I suffer from a chronic time keeping syndrome it made that little escapade impossible.

We headed off to a restaurant and I just could not be arsed with the small talk. Straight up this dude was boring. The sound of his voice was delightful but he just wasn’t lively enough. After being tanked up with plenty of wine (once I start I can’t stop!) he asked what I planned to do for the rest of the day, so I told him that actually, I plan to go lingerie shopping. ‘Oh you go Ann Summers?’ He asks full of sexy French innocence! So I asked him if he knew what Ann Summers was. Well supposedly, he thought Ann Summers was the only lingerie shop in the world! If I want crotchless knickers then yes! But we live in England and it’s a bit cold for that.

Seeing that the conversation had gone from zero to Sex Shops, I decided to give him the best weekend of his boring life and take him lingerie shopping with me, to Bravissimo, not Ann Summers! Don’t worry, I didn’t let him come in the changing room!

He tried to call me for a couple of months, probably thought his luck was in after seeing all those big bras, but for me, apart from the accent there was nothing there, so that was that.

Or as the French say, fin.

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