Archive for March, 2014

Their silence
It spoke volumes
Their lack of
Acknowledgement
As I walk
And think
Cuts deep
You’ve failed
It screams
In my ears
The fight
Was futile
Many years
I have tried
And now it feels
That the battle
Is over
The good
Gone to waste
The ever persistent path
Where I lead the way
Is disappearing
And it hurts
Like a heartbreak
That
They didn’t even say

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I’m very lucky to be a part of a wonderful group of friends. Together we share a number of qualities and skills which I personally think could change the world! 🙂

Anyway, it just so happens that it was my turn for a healing session. One super good friend who is a graduate in psychology has spent the past 20 years hearing a daily account of my life. She is one of those women who people just look at and then decide to tell her their life stories, even total strangers! Her advice and intuition is always spot on and I think that people must pick up on that.

So as usual I’m going about my life, looking for the next big thing to do. I’m pretty good at jumping from one thing to the next but generally, whatever I choose to put my mind to, full throttle, is something that will have a positive impact. Not only for myself, but also on others. Except this time around, I’ve decided the next big thing for me is to live life like Jamie Foxx’s
Unpredictable!!!

So my lovely friend decided that it would be fun for her and extremely beneficial for me to look into the real causes of my actions. Knowing me as well as she does, she knew I would not be acknowledging or even looking at the bigger picture.

Additional to this, over the past few days I have somehow managed to come to terms with the fact that there are very few people who know me. I don’t really allow people past the exterior. I portray a happy, smiley person on the surface, some may get to see a few tears but that’s because publicly, I’m just an emotional wreck! My true thoughts and feeling are kept inside, brushed away, so as not to rock the boat. Alright, on occasion, so as not to suffer rejection. Damn I am so putting myself out there today!

Last night, after nearly 4 hours of what most certainly felt like a Psychotherapy session, we managed to work backwards and unravel the tangled spider web also known as my life. I grappled back and forth in rebellion, not wanting to accept or give up on certain aspects, regardless of the consequences. Putting it down to the fact that I love a challenge, I enjoy the chase or the thrill of certain situations.

Eventually we got to the centre and figured that for at least the past 12 years, possibly longer, I had been living with a huge void in my life. Rather than dealing with the fact that this is how I’ve been living, I have instead lived life like the void does not exist. I have been avoiding the void by immersing myself into a number of pretty amazing activities and achievements but once I accomplish something, I then tire and find something else to occupy my mind. Never confronting the reality.

Will I manage to take this whole process on board to make the necessary changes? Well, it’s obviously going to be a very long work in progress.

Today I woke and the only thought on my mind was that the only person who can release me is myself. And then the tears started. Many tears, hours of tears! Seriously crying myself a river!

I cried for not running away and getting married 16 years ago, I cried for not telling someone I was in love with them way back when, I cried for allowing myself to being taken advantage of, I cried for not saying no, I cried for not speaking my mind, I cried for not having the balls to spend a year in Cuba. Yes I cried a lot for that one. I cried for having to change my life plan, I cried over the thought that everything I have done over the past 12 years, regardless of the accomplishments, has been done in an effort to ignore what is missing, to avoid rocking the boat. I cried tears for my decisions, my achievements and my losses. I cried tears for me.

Another lovely friend was at the end of the phone after all of those tears. Her wise words were maybe I can’t build the bridge to get to the other side from where I am. Maybe I do need to jump in the water and try and build the bridge from there.

How many of us out there are living a life full of voids? Are we really doing anything to fix them? Or will we just sit and put up with whatever life throws at us, never truly being happy, nor fulfilling our dreams or potential…

So I’ve spent the past few days reminiscing about the past. Now that’s not an unusual activity for me. I spend most of my time in a dream land! But these pensive moments led me to think about what was my favourite first date. This came up number one.

I was 17 and had met a 22 year old guy at a nightclub called Southsides. Southsides was one of those places where you would pay a tenner or fifteen quid to get in. For that you could drink as many watered down drinks as you wanted and eat your fill from the manky buffet of curled up sandwiches and cocktail sausages while dancing the night away to cheesy tunes.

So this guy and I had spent half the night chatting on the swinging love seat (seriously!) and ended up exchanging numbers. Mobile phones had recently hit the market hard and I had managed to get my hands on a gigantic M300! (Who had one? Show your age!).

So after speaking for hours every night for a week, we finally arranged to meet on my next day off work. (Those were the days where you could land a half decent job straight out of school).

I actually remember it was a Thursday and we had arranged to meet at my local drive-thru McDonalds at 11am. How I remember all of this when I can’t even remember my age these days I don’t know! So we had a coffee and he then said that we’re going South of the river. So we get to his white BMW and I’m being whisked off by this ‘Sarf Lahndan’ wide boy!

First he took me to a bar for a few drinks, it was just after midday by this time and these were the days where pubs didn’t bother ask for ID! Next, we’re back in the Beemer and on our way to a Portuguese restaurant for a 5 hour lunch. So much food, so much wine and I met his dad!

We were having the best time together and neither of us wanted the date to end so he then took me to the cinema where we were kept on the edge of our seats watching Geena Davis and Samuel L Jackson in The Long Kiss Goodnight.

By the time the film ended, we had been on our date for over 12 hours. Still not wanting the day, or night by this time to end we went back to his, and the rest as they say is history! Haha!

Details I hear you say? Ok! But only a few. I was taken to a lovely house and placed on a white sheepskin rug in front of an open fireplace. This man was a pro at this dating game!

Anyway, we fell asleep at probably 4 in the morning and I was supposed to be at work 5 hours later. Not only was I supposed to be at work in the morning but my parents had no idea where I was! Back then, they didn’t have a house phone so I hadn’t been able to call them to let them know I was having the best time of my life EVER and was not coming back for the foreseeable future!

I managed to wake up at around 8.30 the next morning and call in sick to work, pretending to be ill. That was the first ever ‘sex day’ I pulled (sick day…get it! Come on I’m not the only one!). My older sister also worked for the same company as me so I managed to get hold of her in her department and tell her that I’d phoned in sick and not to tell our mum! I also said that I would meet her after work.

Well the guy and I spent another fantastic day together and at 6.30pm we drove all the way to Sloane Square to pick my sister up from work and drop her home. We just wanted to spend every minute we could together. It was unreal.

He met my sister’s boyfriend and they fast became good friends. It then got to the point where I could no longer put it off. I had to go home. I knew I was about to be in serious trouble!

He dropped me home. My dad didn’t really say anything but my mum was so angry with me. It was probably the first time she’d actually ever been angry with me. I knew I was totally in the wrong for staying out for two days and the worry I must’ve put her through was awful. Now as a parent I understand that fear and worry even more.

The end result was that my mum grounded me! 17 years old with a full time job and I was grounded! The guys response was peels of laughter that he was 22 and and his girlfriend was grounded. Thinking about it, it was quite funny!

So the next day he decided to come round to my house and meet my parents. They absolutely loved him, he was such a charmer and I was no longer grounded!

As naughty as I was I do not regret going out on a 48 hour date. Nobody’s been able to beat it since and how many of us out there actually do throw caution to the wind and live life in the moment?

Would I do it again? Damn straight I would! I’m just waiting for the right man came along!