Archive for the ‘Thoughts and Opinions’ Category

I’m very lucky to be a part of a wonderful group of friends. Together we share a number of qualities and skills which I personally think could change the world! 🙂

Anyway, it just so happens that it was my turn for a healing session. One super good friend who is a graduate in psychology has spent the past 20 years hearing a daily account of my life. She is one of those women who people just look at and then decide to tell her their life stories, even total strangers! Her advice and intuition is always spot on and I think that people must pick up on that.

So as usual I’m going about my life, looking for the next big thing to do. I’m pretty good at jumping from one thing to the next but generally, whatever I choose to put my mind to, full throttle, is something that will have a positive impact. Not only for myself, but also on others. Except this time around, I’ve decided the next big thing for me is to live life like Jamie Foxx’s
Unpredictable!!!

So my lovely friend decided that it would be fun for her and extremely beneficial for me to look into the real causes of my actions. Knowing me as well as she does, she knew I would not be acknowledging or even looking at the bigger picture.

Additional to this, over the past few days I have somehow managed to come to terms with the fact that there are very few people who know me. I don’t really allow people past the exterior. I portray a happy, smiley person on the surface, some may get to see a few tears but that’s because publicly, I’m just an emotional wreck! My true thoughts and feeling are kept inside, brushed away, so as not to rock the boat. Alright, on occasion, so as not to suffer rejection. Damn I am so putting myself out there today!

Last night, after nearly 4 hours of what most certainly felt like a Psychotherapy session, we managed to work backwards and unravel the tangled spider web also known as my life. I grappled back and forth in rebellion, not wanting to accept or give up on certain aspects, regardless of the consequences. Putting it down to the fact that I love a challenge, I enjoy the chase or the thrill of certain situations.

Eventually we got to the centre and figured that for at least the past 12 years, possibly longer, I had been living with a huge void in my life. Rather than dealing with the fact that this is how I’ve been living, I have instead lived life like the void does not exist. I have been avoiding the void by immersing myself into a number of pretty amazing activities and achievements but once I accomplish something, I then tire and find something else to occupy my mind. Never confronting the reality.

Will I manage to take this whole process on board to make the necessary changes? Well, it’s obviously going to be a very long work in progress.

Today I woke and the only thought on my mind was that the only person who can release me is myself. And then the tears started. Many tears, hours of tears! Seriously crying myself a river!

I cried for not running away and getting married 16 years ago, I cried for not telling someone I was in love with them way back when, I cried for allowing myself to being taken advantage of, I cried for not saying no, I cried for not speaking my mind, I cried for not having the balls to spend a year in Cuba. Yes I cried a lot for that one. I cried for having to change my life plan, I cried over the thought that everything I have done over the past 12 years, regardless of the accomplishments, has been done in an effort to ignore what is missing, to avoid rocking the boat. I cried tears for my decisions, my achievements and my losses. I cried tears for me.

Another lovely friend was at the end of the phone after all of those tears. Her wise words were maybe I can’t build the bridge to get to the other side from where I am. Maybe I do need to jump in the water and try and build the bridge from there.

How many of us out there are living a life full of voids? Are we really doing anything to fix them? Or will we just sit and put up with whatever life throws at us, never truly being happy, nor fulfilling our dreams or potential…

So I’ve spent the past few days reminiscing about the past. Now that’s not an unusual activity for me. I spend most of my time in a dream land! But these pensive moments led me to think about what was my favourite first date. This came up number one.

I was 17 and had met a 22 year old guy at a nightclub called Southsides. Southsides was one of those places where you would pay a tenner or fifteen quid to get in. For that you could drink as many watered down drinks as you wanted and eat your fill from the manky buffet of curled up sandwiches and cocktail sausages while dancing the night away to cheesy tunes.

So this guy and I had spent half the night chatting on the swinging love seat (seriously!) and ended up exchanging numbers. Mobile phones had recently hit the market hard and I had managed to get my hands on a gigantic M300! (Who had one? Show your age!).

So after speaking for hours every night for a week, we finally arranged to meet on my next day off work. (Those were the days where you could land a half decent job straight out of school).

I actually remember it was a Thursday and we had arranged to meet at my local drive-thru McDonalds at 11am. How I remember all of this when I can’t even remember my age these days I don’t know! So we had a coffee and he then said that we’re going South of the river. So we get to his white BMW and I’m being whisked off by this ‘Sarf Lahndan’ wide boy!

First he took me to a bar for a few drinks, it was just after midday by this time and these were the days where pubs didn’t bother ask for ID! Next, we’re back in the Beemer and on our way to a Portuguese restaurant for a 5 hour lunch. So much food, so much wine and I met his dad!

We were having the best time together and neither of us wanted the date to end so he then took me to the cinema where we were kept on the edge of our seats watching Geena Davis and Samuel L Jackson in The Long Kiss Goodnight.

By the time the film ended, we had been on our date for over 12 hours. Still not wanting the day, or night by this time to end we went back to his, and the rest as they say is history! Haha!

Details I hear you say? Ok! But only a few. I was taken to a lovely house and placed on a white sheepskin rug in front of an open fireplace. This man was a pro at this dating game!

Anyway, we fell asleep at probably 4 in the morning and I was supposed to be at work 5 hours later. Not only was I supposed to be at work in the morning but my parents had no idea where I was! Back then, they didn’t have a house phone so I hadn’t been able to call them to let them know I was having the best time of my life EVER and was not coming back for the foreseeable future!

I managed to wake up at around 8.30 the next morning and call in sick to work, pretending to be ill. That was the first ever ‘sex day’ I pulled (sick day…get it! Come on I’m not the only one!). My older sister also worked for the same company as me so I managed to get hold of her in her department and tell her that I’d phoned in sick and not to tell our mum! I also said that I would meet her after work.

Well the guy and I spent another fantastic day together and at 6.30pm we drove all the way to Sloane Square to pick my sister up from work and drop her home. We just wanted to spend every minute we could together. It was unreal.

He met my sister’s boyfriend and they fast became good friends. It then got to the point where I could no longer put it off. I had to go home. I knew I was about to be in serious trouble!

He dropped me home. My dad didn’t really say anything but my mum was so angry with me. It was probably the first time she’d actually ever been angry with me. I knew I was totally in the wrong for staying out for two days and the worry I must’ve put her through was awful. Now as a parent I understand that fear and worry even more.

The end result was that my mum grounded me! 17 years old with a full time job and I was grounded! The guys response was peels of laughter that he was 22 and and his girlfriend was grounded. Thinking about it, it was quite funny!

So the next day he decided to come round to my house and meet my parents. They absolutely loved him, he was such a charmer and I was no longer grounded!

As naughty as I was I do not regret going out on a 48 hour date. Nobody’s been able to beat it since and how many of us out there actually do throw caution to the wind and live life in the moment?

Would I do it again? Damn straight I would! I’m just waiting for the right man came along!

My friends have made me laugh so much over the past week. And I’m sure a few of my tales have had them laughing too! But this conversation has seriously made my year!

Friend: So I’m cleaning out my cupboard upstairs and one of the bags fall down and my first vibrator falls out. It looks like it had burnt out. Lol. I’m still too scared to throw it cos someone might find it in me bin. It’s not biodegradable is it?
Me: Lmao! I don’t think so! What were you going to do? Bury it in the garden

So while I try and compose myself, because each time I read this I literally weep with laughter, I want you all to have a little think about why women feel the need to hide their bedroom candy? Even when they are well and truly burnt out!

As liberal as western women have become over the past few decades, there are still a number of topics that are taboo.

These days you can even pop down to Westfield for some sex toys, yet I’m sure the majority of us women would rather purchase them behind the closed doors of an Ann Summers party at a friends house, where we can put a jokey spin on it. At the same time how many of us will go ahead and purchase the rabbit with the BMW engine (sorry couldn’t resist!) in front of our friends?

This topic brings me back to the whore versus the Madonna narrative. I guess most subjects relating to women do. I feel that regardless of feminism and the women’s lib movement, patriarchal views and ideals appear to dominate when it comes to exploring women, their sexuality and the way in which they portray themselves in not only social settings, but also the wider world.

It is as if we have been indoctrinated with the ‘Cook in the kitchen, lady in the living room and whore in the bedroom’ rhetoric, to the point that as women, we are unable to openly admit that we are sexual beings and do, on occasion enjoy a private pleasuring session. Besides, who made up this saying? I don’t want to be a whore in the bedroom. As an independent woman what I do in the bedroom is for my pleasure, not for housekeeping money.

The double standard that men will quite often get a pat on the back for their head count whereas women will be deemed a slut, further adds to our repression. As women we are also quick to condemn the girl who has had many sexual partners. Who are we to judge? Especially if she’s having a good time!

I asked a male friend if he thought women were repressed and if women felt guilty for their sexual pleasure. His response was… is there something genuine they are meant to feel guilty about…

Well I don’t know? Should I be feeling guilty about what I want to do? The desires and fantasies which are appearing with an increasing frequency?

As a mother in her 30s I do have those ‘you’re a mum! You shouldn’t be saying or thinking that!’ moments. I’ve been gifted with no filter so I even manage to shock myself with my brazenness sometimes! But really, I’m a bit tired of behaving how society dictates I should be, just because of my sex.

Maybe in a few decades women will display, with pride, their burnt out plastic penises. On the mantel piece! Or in my friends case, have a sea of them growing in the garden! 🙂

A friend of mine is back in the dating game. She is not after anything too serious so decided to sign up with a….. hmmm …. let’s call it a ‘casual’ online dating site.

Within the first 48 hours she was inundated with requests from at least 200 men. The requests ranged from the pretty normal exchange of email addresses or numbers, to get to know each other and meet for a date, to outrageous requests which are quite frankly, full on porn!

So she managed to whittle it down to four men whose profiles she liked and who she felt she clicked with and the next thing she knew she was meeting for coffee with one of the guys.

Their email exchange had been very pleasant and filth free so she was quite looking forward to meeting with him.

As soon as she met with him she knew straight away she didn’t like him. Not that he was not a nice enough person but she said there was just no connection. Furthermore, when she discovered he was the same star sign as her ex-partner she totally closed herself off to the idea! I know it seems crazy to base your decision on a star sign but I’m practically as crazy as her so see where she is coming from!

So this guy asks her what site she is on. She obviously doesn’t know what he’s going on about as she had only signed up on one site. He then tells her that there are about 12 ‘dating’ websites affiliated with each other so when you sign up for one your details get put on the other sites. (This is why terms and conditions need to be read people!) Next thing you know he’s reeling off a load of websites, Local S**gs, F**k Buddy, she said she doesn’t know what other sites he mentioned because by this time she was hyperventilating!

She was mortified, and told the guy so. He did say he thought she hadn’t done this before, then added that he went back onto the site he’s on earlier in the day (F**k Buddy) , and right in the middle, standing out from all the blondes, her profile was in the most viewed for the week!

So on the way home she’s on the phone to me, distressed while I roar with unbridled mirth! The first thing she planned on doing was taking her profile off the site.

Now she’s worried her ex will go onto the site, as he loves a Local S**g, and see her on there! And knowing him he’ll tell her parents. Rather than anyone questioning him for checking out Local S**gs, they’ll all be having a go at her! Hahahaha!

After having a week of not feeling very well but not being able to quite figure out what was wrong I ended it by having a massive fall! Yesterday while out in an area I don’t know too well, I slipped on the pavement and landed in the full splits (yeah baby! Unknown flexibility!) whilst skinning my knee and getting covered in mud.

Well after that all my plans went through the window. I hobbled to the bus stop with blood seeping through my lovely new skinny jeans and decided the rest of my day would be spent at home. Once on the bus I then started having what felt like an allergic reaction, probably due to stress or shock and by the time I got home I had itchy and swollen hands and feet and couldn’t even bend any of my fingers.

I somehow managed to get the key through the door and rushed to the kitchen sink to run my hands under cold water for 10 minutes which seemed to ease the swelling a little. Of course I had no Piriton in the house! Once I cleaned myself up I spent most of the day in bed, sleeping and feeling pathetically sorry for myself.

Do you know I haven’t fallen and cut my knee since I was about 10 years old? It really hurts! How do kids get over it so quickly?

Anyway, today’s a new day and this is my first post in ages so happy new year people! I know I’m nearly 3 weeks late but better late than never! 😀

‘Are you loved?’ a friend asked me today. My answer to him was no.

We weren’t talking about mum and dad or your kids or friends loving you. So no, I’m pretty sure I’m not loved.

I can’t even remember how the conversation started, but prior to that, he’d asked if I love someone, to which I had replied ‘no, I haven’t loved anyone in ages.’

Well what a glum state of affairs this is!

I don’t know if it’s because I’m turning 35 next year, but after being what some people may call a cold, heartless bitch for the past 8 years I would actually like to be in love and for someone to really, really love me.

Now I know I’m not in a position to make demands but I don’t want that build up to love scenario, where you go out and realise you suit and it’s all very nice and then oh I think I love you type of thing.

No, I want crazy, instantaneous, have to be with you, let’s run away for the day that turns into the weekend, mad passionate, 2 months in we’re engaged to be married in a few weeks kind of love.

I know what I want is highly impractical, and will probably lead to divorce within a year but damn! How exciting would that be! Not all this boring, let’s be sensible nonsense!

So if there’s any wild ones after a whirlwind romance that you’ll remember with laughter in your old age, even if it did end in divorce, I’m your girl! 😉

You know when you’re going through a period in your life when you’re a bit bored, and to be honest, it feels like there’s a bit of a drought going on, what do you do? Give online dating a shot of course!

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who makes crazy, impulsive, random decisions with their life?

I don’t know what I was thinking. The drought hadn’t even been that long. At most a couple of weeks. Alright, I’ll hold my hands up! I just wanted to try something new! There, my admission is on the table, should I even continue?

So that urge to do something ridiculously impulsive, which I have quite often, (yesterday I had the urge to open a free school. I’ll have it up and running in a year ya’ know!), took hold of me, and next thing I know I’ve signed up for this online dating website, have a profile with the best picture I could find and I’m having to block a load of weirdos! Actually, that’s a bit harsh, surprisingly the weirdo men were few and far between.

What I loved about this online dating adventure was that I got to choose exactly what I was looking for. So my criteria was a non religious man in his thirties, (that would be different now, as you know from my previous posts I’m only after the toy boy!) and I wasn’t fussed about looks, (obviously not so bad that I have to put a paper bag over his head!). I made it clear that if they were looking for a partner to have kids with they were barking up the wrong tree. Been there, done that, and have more than one t-shirt thank you very much.

So I managed to sift through all of the losers thinking I had mug written across my head and actually started chatting to some guys who seemed as ‘normal’ as me and had profiles that weren’t a load of cods wallop.

Low and behold, I then came across a guy who lived quite local to me, same age range, he had a kid and worked in a similar field to me. He wanted to exchange numbers, so we did! He had a delicious French accent. We spoke (mainly me!) for an hour so I figured it must be real because it would be pretty hard to pull off a fake accent for that long! At the end of our chat and all the ‘voulez vous couchez avec moi’ (no! I’m lying! Just wanted to throw in some francais!). Sorry, at the end of our chat we arranged to go on a date.

I want to say we had a very pleasant date, but the word pleasant means ‘giving a sense of happy satisfaction or enjoyment’, so let’s just say the date was not unpleasant. We spoke, drank wine, I laughed a lot, at my own jokes, he was boring. Anyway, he wanted to meet again so I agreed. He wasn’t weird or crazy and I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Maybe he was shy and there was a personality hidden somewhere. Deep. Down. In. The. Depths. Somewhere.

Date number two arrived and we met in the West End. I wanted to arrive early so I could do some shopping at Bravissimo, the big booby bra shop but as I suffer from a chronic time keeping syndrome it made that little escapade impossible.

We headed off to a restaurant and I just could not be arsed with the small talk. Straight up this dude was boring. The sound of his voice was delightful but he just wasn’t lively enough. After being tanked up with plenty of wine (once I start I can’t stop!) he asked what I planned to do for the rest of the day, so I told him that actually, I plan to go lingerie shopping. ‘Oh you go Ann Summers?’ He asks full of sexy French innocence! So I asked him if he knew what Ann Summers was. Well supposedly, he thought Ann Summers was the only lingerie shop in the world! If I want crotchless knickers then yes! But we live in England and it’s a bit cold for that.

Seeing that the conversation had gone from zero to Sex Shops, I decided to give him the best weekend of his boring life and take him lingerie shopping with me, to Bravissimo, not Ann Summers! Don’t worry, I didn’t let him come in the changing room!

He tried to call me for a couple of months, probably thought his luck was in after seeing all those big bras, but for me, apart from the accent there was nothing there, so that was that.

Or as the French say, fin.