Posts Tagged ‘happy’

I’m very lucky to be a part of a wonderful group of friends. Together we share a number of qualities and skills which I personally think could change the world! 🙂

Anyway, it just so happens that it was my turn for a healing session. One super good friend who is a graduate in psychology has spent the past 20 years hearing a daily account of my life. She is one of those women who people just look at and then decide to tell her their life stories, even total strangers! Her advice and intuition is always spot on and I think that people must pick up on that.

So as usual I’m going about my life, looking for the next big thing to do. I’m pretty good at jumping from one thing to the next but generally, whatever I choose to put my mind to, full throttle, is something that will have a positive impact. Not only for myself, but also on others. Except this time around, I’ve decided the next big thing for me is to live life like Jamie Foxx’s
Unpredictable!!!

So my lovely friend decided that it would be fun for her and extremely beneficial for me to look into the real causes of my actions. Knowing me as well as she does, she knew I would not be acknowledging or even looking at the bigger picture.

Additional to this, over the past few days I have somehow managed to come to terms with the fact that there are very few people who know me. I don’t really allow people past the exterior. I portray a happy, smiley person on the surface, some may get to see a few tears but that’s because publicly, I’m just an emotional wreck! My true thoughts and feeling are kept inside, brushed away, so as not to rock the boat. Alright, on occasion, so as not to suffer rejection. Damn I am so putting myself out there today!

Last night, after nearly 4 hours of what most certainly felt like a Psychotherapy session, we managed to work backwards and unravel the tangled spider web also known as my life. I grappled back and forth in rebellion, not wanting to accept or give up on certain aspects, regardless of the consequences. Putting it down to the fact that I love a challenge, I enjoy the chase or the thrill of certain situations.

Eventually we got to the centre and figured that for at least the past 12 years, possibly longer, I had been living with a huge void in my life. Rather than dealing with the fact that this is how I’ve been living, I have instead lived life like the void does not exist. I have been avoiding the void by immersing myself into a number of pretty amazing activities and achievements but once I accomplish something, I then tire and find something else to occupy my mind. Never confronting the reality.

Will I manage to take this whole process on board to make the necessary changes? Well, it’s obviously going to be a very long work in progress.

Today I woke and the only thought on my mind was that the only person who can release me is myself. And then the tears started. Many tears, hours of tears! Seriously crying myself a river!

I cried for not running away and getting married 16 years ago, I cried for not telling someone I was in love with them way back when, I cried for allowing myself to being taken advantage of, I cried for not saying no, I cried for not speaking my mind, I cried for not having the balls to spend a year in Cuba. Yes I cried a lot for that one. I cried for having to change my life plan, I cried over the thought that everything I have done over the past 12 years, regardless of the accomplishments, has been done in an effort to ignore what is missing, to avoid rocking the boat. I cried tears for my decisions, my achievements and my losses. I cried tears for me.

Another lovely friend was at the end of the phone after all of those tears. Her wise words were maybe I can’t build the bridge to get to the other side from where I am. Maybe I do need to jump in the water and try and build the bridge from there.

How many of us out there are living a life full of voids? Are we really doing anything to fix them? Or will we just sit and put up with whatever life throws at us, never truly being happy, nor fulfilling our dreams or potential…

After having a week of not feeling very well but not being able to quite figure out what was wrong I ended it by having a massive fall! Yesterday while out in an area I don’t know too well, I slipped on the pavement and landed in the full splits (yeah baby! Unknown flexibility!) whilst skinning my knee and getting covered in mud.

Well after that all my plans went through the window. I hobbled to the bus stop with blood seeping through my lovely new skinny jeans and decided the rest of my day would be spent at home. Once on the bus I then started having what felt like an allergic reaction, probably due to stress or shock and by the time I got home I had itchy and swollen hands and feet and couldn’t even bend any of my fingers.

I somehow managed to get the key through the door and rushed to the kitchen sink to run my hands under cold water for 10 minutes which seemed to ease the swelling a little. Of course I had no Piriton in the house! Once I cleaned myself up I spent most of the day in bed, sleeping and feeling pathetically sorry for myself.

Do you know I haven’t fallen and cut my knee since I was about 10 years old? It really hurts! How do kids get over it so quickly?

Anyway, today’s a new day and this is my first post in ages so happy new year people! I know I’m nearly 3 weeks late but better late than never! 😀

Maybe
This is it
Although ever since
We were young
We’ve been led to
Believe
There is
A fairy tale ending
But
Maybe
There are no
Happy ever afters
Nobody for us
To fall in love with
Or love us
So deep
So raw
Consuming
Maybe
But
Inside my heart
It won’t
Allow me
To believe
That this
Maybe so
For what will there be
To live for
It I let those
Maybes
Take hold
Maybe

NaBloPoMo November 2013

This is the A-Z of my week. A good old mixture of mundane and magnificent.

A – Aspergers
B – Beautiful
C – Clippers
D – Dancing
E – Exhausted
F – Friends
G – Gone
H – Hormonal
I – Illogical
J – Joking
K – Kids
L – Laughing hysterically
M – Mummy
N – Never-ending
O – Over it
P – Poetry
Q – Quiet
R – Relief
S – Shaved head
T – Tongue licking
U – Undermined
V – Vacant
W – Wedding
X – X-Ray results
Y – Yearning
Z – Z names

No matter how many times I watch an episode of Sex and the City I never get bored! I could actually watch it everyday of the week.

So here are my top 10 favourite Carrie Quotes.

Number 1 has to be this. And yes, I am looking for the same thing! Aren’t we all…

‘I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.’

And here’s number 2. Don’t think I’ve met that person to stand still with yet. Or maybe I have but don’t realise? OR maybe HE doesn’t realise!!!

‘I’ve done the merry go round I’ve been through the revolving door I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and… don’t you wanna stand still with me?’

And if you want to sum me up in a nutshell, just take a read of number 3!

‘I was a huge fan of being anywhere you could smoke and drink at two in the afternoon without judgment.’

I actually avoid going into Starbucks in Westfield because I really do think this, and have been known to say … Do they think they’re in Sex and the fucking City or something? 😀 But seriously, haven’t they got wifi at home? It’s freaking 2013 for goodness sake! Here’s number 4…

‘I used to think those people who sat alone at Starbucks writing on their laptops were pretentious posers.’

Number 5 I’m probably at serious risk of! But I’m shameless and don’t give a damn! I always think what’s the point in either not expressing or showing what you think or feel? Whether it be in a relationship or otherwise. Life’s too short. Oh dear, I’m probably that psycho girl who tells her life story and declares her undying love on the first date!

‘When men attempt bold gestures, generally it’s considered romantic. When women do it, it’s often considered desperate or psycho.’

Number 6 has me hoping I’m not feeling like this in a few months time… Not that I’m desperate or anything! Lol!

‘The longer I sat at that table, the more alone I felt. And it really hit me: I am 35 and alone!’

We should all probably take a leaf out of number 7. Would certainly ease the pressure we put on ourselves.

‘Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.’

Number 8, I want to be that woman, is it too late? *looks around expectantly for an answer!*

‘Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.’

The older we get the more life can feel like this… Number 9

‘When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?’

And at number 10, here’s hoping!

‘Eventually all the pieces fall into place….until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason’

We bypassed the
Champagne
And went for
Comfort
In the
Cow
If it was not for those
Commitments
We would still be
Cuddling
Now
Settled deep in the
Couch
While
Candles
Burn down low
And you
Cradle
Me in your arms
While I stroke your leg so slow
Am I
Crazy to
Consider that
Life is about this
And I melt at
The thought of you
Giving me your kiss
As I listen to your heart beat
Steady and secure
I wonder if you’ll abandon all
Control
And break through
Those tough walls
When you show me
Caring
Moments
Nothing can
Compare
To a
Cuddle
In the
Cow
Come on
Let’s go back there

20131011-183956.jpg

Come along
On a journey
To a place
Where never a cloud
On the horizon appears
Dancing across sand dunes
Shining energy
Glistening on skin
To reach the waves
That lap gently
Over feet
At least a mile
Of pensive walking
And in the background
Children play
Families feast
Lovers kiss
Senses explode
The sights
The sounds
The smells
A starfish in the sand
A song
That insists
The night will be good
Fragrant aromas
Meander through the air
Rest
In shallow waters
Tiny fish
Swim around and over
As if the body is one
With the earth
Vibrant chiffons swirl
In oranges and pinks
Reminiscent of
A sun that will sleep
Under the glimmer
Of the full moon
That is resting
On the water
The only sound
To be heard
Is that of a lone guitar
Strumming the song
Of the Gitano
The sky
A sheet of black velvet
Scattered with diamonds
Holding close
Sultry dreams
That
The one
You
Adore
Whispers
In your ear
Welcome to
My Happy Place