Posts Tagged ‘miscarriage’

Exist

Posted: January 18, 2015 in Poems
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m sorry
I thought you didn’t exist
When I first went to see you
You had disappeared
I thought it had all been a dream
My imagination playing tricks
So I continued with life
None of it had happened
And when
Fours year later
They began to write about you
I told them to take it off
It didn’t happen
You didn’t exist
And a year later
My response was the same
No
Don’t
It does not exist
And again 14 years later
The same thing
And now
18 years have passed
And you give me no choice
I see you clearly
I see you watching
Making sure we’re safe
You made sure I’d see the name
Yesterday
Today
And I understand
I know
I know that you exist
And you want me
To release
The guilt I feel
Next time
I will allow them
To write about you
Next time
I promise to
Acknowledge you
And as of now
I will think of you
I will love you
You
Exist

Trigger Warning: bleeding in pregnancy, miscarriage.

I have 4 modules and my dissertation left to do of my degree. I could probably have it done in a semester. I should have finished it 3 years ago. Quite often, someone will ask me when I plan on completing it. I find myself standing there giving a brief explanation as to why I have not chosen to go back to university and agreeing that yes, I do need to return and get it over and done with. I then walk away feeling like I have made pathetic excuses.

The thing is, I feel that my brain is totally shut off to the idea. It was not just a case of me waking up one morning and deciding that I’d had enough and was throwing the towel in.

I suppose one factor that has led to me not completing my degree was because I fell pregnant. Or rather the complications and problems that arose within and after the pregnancy.

Do you remember my Libido: Liberated post? Yes? Well it was just before I was about to return back to uni that I found out I was pregnant. Now that wasn’t a problem. At the end of the day, I’m part of the ‘super mum’ generation! I was already working as an administrator with 2 children and going to university. For the record mums, one thing I learned during my years at uni was that we can do two things well – work and uni, work and kids, uni and kids – but, make that 3 and the cracks do begin to show.

So if I’m really honest, the thought of having another baby was not that daunting. And even though I was not in a good place (apart from in bed obviously!) with my children’s dad, I thought that the fact that this was the 1st time I’d fallen pregnant in 5 years, using the withdrawal method as our form of ‘contraception’ must have been a blessing. Alright, I also told all and sundry that I was like the Virgin Mary because he hadn’t even come inside me! 😀 I am prone to my moments of being extremely inappropriate! I apologise!

Furthermore, all of my friends had also attended university as mature students and had also become pregnant in their final year. We don’t half love to make life hard for ourselves!

It was the Wednesday of half term and I had just arrived home from my classes. The house was quiet as my kids were at their dad’s house for a few days. I’d had a scan the previous Friday which had confirmed I was 13 weeks pregnant. All was well. I had decided that I would take maternity leave 2 weeks before my due date and thought that I’d be able to pop in to uni to sit my final exams and leave the new baby with friends and family.

I settled down on the sofa, enjoying the peace while chatting to my best friend on the phone. While we was talking I felt something kind of spurt I guess into my knickers. I carried on chatting but went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and looked. There was blood in my knickers and when I wiped myself. Not loads but enough to be concerned about. I told my friend. She said I needed to call the midwife straight away. I did and she advised me to get straight to the hospital. I then called my friend back and asked if she thought I should let the kids dad know (we hadn’t spoken for a few weeks) to which she said obviously. So I called him. Told him not to panic and to meet me at the hospital. Up to this point, I wasn’t in pain, I felt ok and I wasn’t really that worried either.

I got a cab to the hospital and was rushed through all the admin as an emergency case. While I was waiting for the general blood pressure and other similar checks to be done, I began to feel a bit of pain, like a horrible dragging, clawing feeling. Different to both period and labour pains. I also felt that I was bleeding heavier.

We were sent up to the early maternity unit. I insisted on not going in a wheel chair. This was actually a very silly idea as I hadn’t realised that we would have to walk for 10 minutes to get to where we needed to be. By the time we got there I was struggling.

We were taken to a small waiting room where a young girl and her partner and friends were waiting. I don’t know why they were there, I assumed she was also pregnant. They were loud and on a number of occasions quite annoyed with the staff as they had been waiting ages.

I felt things getting worse. To the point I couldn’t sit down. It just felt like so much blood. An hour came and went and I hadn’t been seen by anybody. By this point I assumed I was miscarrying. I managed to get to the nurses station to ask if they could give me another towel. I think they had forgotten about me. So they did and said to monitor how much I was bleeding. I think another hour may have passed and in the end I had to go back to the nurses. I was in public and bleeding everywhere. There was so much blood it had come through my clothes. There was blood in the waiting room where I had been sitting and I left a substantial trail of blood all down the corridor. It was like I’d been massacred. My kids dad was saying that if he has to choose between me and the baby he’s choosing me. He’d never seen so much blood in his life.

We were put in a private side room for a while then were finally called into the doctor. I was bleeding so heavily she could not do an internal to see whether my cervix was still closed. But she managed to get hold of an ultrasound to do a scan. Miraculously, through all of that, my baby was still there, still alive!

I had to stay in hospital over night so they could monitor me. There was a lady opposite me who had an awful miscarriage, but was so lovely to me. It’s so strange the details we remember.

The bleeding didn’t stop but got somewhat lighter. I was allowed home but put on the first of many bouts of bed rest. At this point they were unsure what was happening to me. Even so, I felt like, and still do, one of the lucky ones.

So this is the beginning of a number of reasons as to why I haven’t finished my degree. There are more, but I don’t feel brave enough to explore those today.
NaBloPoMo November 2013