Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

2015 Hello!

Posted: January 8, 2015 in Uncategorized
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Hello there! I haven’t ventured down this path in ages! And now, all of a sudden, I find myself staring into the eyes of 2015, and boy does it feel good!

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve done some creative writing and I have missed it! Ok, ok, that’s a blatant lie. I have been writing. I’ve been doing some extremely creative writing. So creative that, hmmmmm, well I can’t even tell you about it! Sorry! It’s all a bit to creative (inappropriate) for this lovely blog, even if it is called Provocative Prose.

This is really just a quick hello to let you all know that I’m still here and that I will be posting some poetry over the next few weeks.

Earlier this evening I was browsing through documents on my phone and found quite a few poems that I had written last year and never posted.

When I write poetry, I don’t sit with a pen and paper mulling things over for hours. I generally write my poems in 15 minutes on my phone, while I’m on the bus on my way home from work. A thought will pop into my head and I just run with it in the manner of doing a sprint rather than marathon!

You know when you’re going through a period in your life when you’re a bit bored, and to be honest, it feels like there’s a bit of a drought going on, what do you do? Give online dating a shot of course!

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who makes crazy, impulsive, random decisions with their life?

I don’t know what I was thinking. The drought hadn’t even been that long. At most a couple of weeks. Alright, I’ll hold my hands up! I just wanted to try something new! There, my admission is on the table, should I even continue?

So that urge to do something ridiculously impulsive, which I have quite often, (yesterday I had the urge to open a free school. I’ll have it up and running in a year ya’ know!), took hold of me, and next thing I know I’ve signed up for this online dating website, have a profile with the best picture I could find and I’m having to block a load of weirdos! Actually, that’s a bit harsh, surprisingly the weirdo men were few and far between.

What I loved about this online dating adventure was that I got to choose exactly what I was looking for. So my criteria was a non religious man in his thirties, (that would be different now, as you know from my previous posts I’m only after the toy boy!) and I wasn’t fussed about looks, (obviously not so bad that I have to put a paper bag over his head!). I made it clear that if they were looking for a partner to have kids with they were barking up the wrong tree. Been there, done that, and have more than one t-shirt thank you very much.

So I managed to sift through all of the losers thinking I had mug written across my head and actually started chatting to some guys who seemed as ‘normal’ as me and had profiles that weren’t a load of cods wallop.

Low and behold, I then came across a guy who lived quite local to me, same age range, he had a kid and worked in a similar field to me. He wanted to exchange numbers, so we did! He had a delicious French accent. We spoke (mainly me!) for an hour so I figured it must be real because it would be pretty hard to pull off a fake accent for that long! At the end of our chat and all the ‘voulez vous couchez avec moi’ (no! I’m lying! Just wanted to throw in some francais!). Sorry, at the end of our chat we arranged to go on a date.

I want to say we had a very pleasant date, but the word pleasant means ‘giving a sense of happy satisfaction or enjoyment’, so let’s just say the date was not unpleasant. We spoke, drank wine, I laughed a lot, at my own jokes, he was boring. Anyway, he wanted to meet again so I agreed. He wasn’t weird or crazy and I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Maybe he was shy and there was a personality hidden somewhere. Deep. Down. In. The. Depths. Somewhere.

Date number two arrived and we met in the West End. I wanted to arrive early so I could do some shopping at Bravissimo, the big booby bra shop but as I suffer from a chronic time keeping syndrome it made that little escapade impossible.

We headed off to a restaurant and I just could not be arsed with the small talk. Straight up this dude was boring. The sound of his voice was delightful but he just wasn’t lively enough. After being tanked up with plenty of wine (once I start I can’t stop!) he asked what I planned to do for the rest of the day, so I told him that actually, I plan to go lingerie shopping. ‘Oh you go Ann Summers?’ He asks full of sexy French innocence! So I asked him if he knew what Ann Summers was. Well supposedly, he thought Ann Summers was the only lingerie shop in the world! If I want crotchless knickers then yes! But we live in England and it’s a bit cold for that.

Seeing that the conversation had gone from zero to Sex Shops, I decided to give him the best weekend of his boring life and take him lingerie shopping with me, to Bravissimo, not Ann Summers! Don’t worry, I didn’t let him come in the changing room!

He tried to call me for a couple of months, probably thought his luck was in after seeing all those big bras, but for me, apart from the accent there was nothing there, so that was that.

Or as the French say, fin.

Now as much as i enjoy hearing about how great my 3 year old is, after a long day at work, the last place I wanted to go to at 6pm was his parents evening. I know that probably has me slipping into the ‘bad mum’ bracket but I just felt exhausted. Furthermore, my 2 older kids had been home since 4pm and hadn’t realised that they would have to wait until at least 7pm for me to arrive home, let alone make them dinner! Once I did arrive home I realised they had made up for my lack of parenting by eating an entire tub of ice cream! I haven’t mentioned it, I’m pretending it never happened.

So back to parents evening. I arrived 15 minutes early, which anyone who knows me will realise that this is a miracle in itself. The staff were frantically making sure all the children’s reports were ready to hand to parents and were also putting the finishing touches to the hall.

Do you want to know what those finishing touches involved?

They involved making sure that you, as a parent, are attending the best parents evening you could imagine. You will not want to leave parents evening. You will will want to attend parents evening every week!

Lined up along the table were bottles of wine. White, red, rose, take your pick! Further along a selection of party food, chicken nibbles, sausage rolls, cocktail sausages and quiche.

I then saw a member of staff dash to the staff room and run back in, cd in hand. She puts it on and the manager shouts across the room, ‘Turn it up! We need it louder!’

Suddenly the sweet sounds of children singing? No, doesn’t sound like it. Take That? Hmmm I don’t think it is….

…SHABBA RANKS!!!! The sweet sound of SHABBA RANKS, Mr Loverman began to blast from the speaker!!!

Schools and teachers take note, THAT is how you do a parents evening! Alcohol, food and one two bogle is guaranteed to make a parents evening more enjoyable for all involved!

Same time next week?

I have spent the past 6 hours typing up words and their meanings. It was very boring. If I am honest I will be pleased when this week is over and I no longer have to complete the tedious tasks for this project with a ridiculous deadline looming over me. In fact, I kind of gave myself the deadline. Hmmm, maybe that should say I am extremely disorganised and actually cannot get it together!

One of the words I typed up was Love, which according to the dictionary means, an intense feeling of deep affection or a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone.

I felt that description left me feeling a bit flat, a bit of an anti climax so to speak.

What do you think of when you think of the word love?

NaBloPoMo November 2013

Shout out to the mums like me! I have a question, to what extent does feminism play a role in your life? Stumped? So am I!

Now I’m thinking you’ve woken up in the morning, made sure the kids are fed, lunches have been made, as usual yours has been by-passed, you’ve barely managed to get a comb through your hair and then you rush out of the house.

Now for me the next part is running down the road to catch the first of my many bus journeys. I have to take two buses to the nursery and then another two to work. Once I sit at my desk I feel as if I have already done a days work! At the same time it’s a relief to be able to sit down and work my way through a pack of chocolate biscuits without the kids asking me for one!

After a day at the office I then rush like a mad woman, back to the nursery to collect the little one. The older two have already given me a call to say that they’re home safely and I’ve instructed them to start their homework (which I’m sure they don’t!) and then it’s the final two buses of the day and relief, we’re home!

But, the relief is short lived, because once I’ve grabbed a coffee it’s time to start thinking about feeding the little blighters! And the washing needs to be done and sometimes I have to sit and do a science project of which I know nothing about! (Come on, I know I’m not the only mum who’s done the majority of their child’s homework once in a while!)

Once all of that is done and the kids are tucked up in bed, I would like to say I crack open a bottle of Pinot and enjoy a few hours of mind numbing tv, but, that would be a lie. What I do next is work for another 3 hours on the project I run in my ‘spare’ time and finally crash into bed way after midnight.

So I ask again, to what extent does feminism play a role in your life? I don’t feel like I’m living a life of equality. I feel like I’m living a life where I am doing it all. The burden, if you want to call it that, rests entirely on my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, all I do is done for my kids and done willingly.

I don’t know if it’s my social background but as I’ve said to my mum on many occasions, feminism doesn’t actually work for mums like us. There is no equality this neck of the woods! When you are out working and then still coming home to all the household and parenting duties how is it then an equal distribution?

Yet as mothers we’ll be grateful for the fact that the man has done the washing up or dropped the kids to school, ONCE IN A BLUE MOON! Yet do we get thanked for doing all that and more everyday of our lives?

I view feminism as an exclusive little club, where the women in it, primarily don’t live in social housing, they don’t have to worry about the fact that they haven’t paid their gas and leccy bill in 5 months because otherwise their children would starve and they are free and have the time to attend meets and protests to thrash out what direction they want the movement to take.

In my 10 minute quest to understand a little more about modern feminism I came across this tumblr page…

http://whoneedsfeminism.tumblr.com

Having a look through actually gave me hope and made me think that although I do not consider myself to being living a life of equality, I definitely need feminism, I need to have that belief that we as women can change things.

In fact I do already believe this. I believe that women are very powerful, I believe we need to celebrate that we are life-givers, why do we let this be played down? I believe that we are entering an age of the feminine, come on, I know you must be feeling it too! I believe that it is down to us to educate our boys, the men of the future, to encourage and guide them to actively participate in creating an equal world.
I don’t believe the world we currently live in, this world that men are in control of, will do much about the advancement of equality in terms of feminism or any other aspect for that matter! Which is why I say it’s up to us to educate.

At the end of the day, the most important issue in all of this is that future generations believe in a just and equal world. For what is the point in us being here if not for that? What is the purpose? What is your life purpose?

NaBloPoMo November 2013

I was asked this question today by a delightful male friend, who just for the record is not a toyboy, well at least not mine! Although if he was younger than me I wouldn’t throw the idea out of the window! 😉 Anyway let me get rid of the shovel before I dig myself in even further!

The deeper into our 30s my friends and I go the more the topic of younger men and having a toy boy comes up. Now I really am no expert in the field of dating younger men. I don’t have a toyboy but, I am open to offers, solely for research purposes … Of course!

Whilst speaking with friends about younger men the issue of it being a boost to the ego never comes up. We are all pretty much secure in the varying packages we come in and I feel we are most certainly at a point in our lives where in fact, we would not give a damn what any man thought of us. If anything, we are over confident!

That being said, the actuality of having a younger man vying for your attention, I would imagine to be extremely flattering and quite likely to have a positive affect on your self esteem.

I’m sure there are women out there who have been hurt in a relationship who could well do with an ego boost. If that comes packaged in a sexy firm body with a youthful staying power then I guess all power to them!

So what of sexuality? I think I can say that with regards to my friends and I, the younger man ‘vogue’ is more likely to be an issue of sexuality than female ego. Why? I’m not 100% sure. Could it be that we fancy having some fun with someone who can keep up with our increasing sexual urges? Are we looking for some everyday bed action? Nothing more, nothing less. I think this is something we are still figuring through. Answers and suggestions on a postcard please!

Although, I do have another take on all this toyboy malarkey. So this thought is based on women in their 30s. Not the ones who have just got married and had kids though! No, they’re the secure ones who had life plans that actually worked. This theory is for the girls in their 30s who have settled down and had kids quite young, may still be in a relationship or single. Not to say that they don’t have workable life plans! Who the hell handed me the shovel again???

Maybe there is all this chat about finding a toyboy because we just simply want one last hoorah? Maybe the thought of being 40 and hitting middle age is just a little bit daunting and we want to spice things up abit before we settle back in to being sensible again. That reminds me of my mum and her best friend watching Shirley Valentine in the early 1990s. They were both in their 30s. And they thought it was the best thing since sliced bread.

So while you’re all pondering this issue, I’m just going to head off out dancing to this great club, where all the young men are super fine, fresh and flirty and love a lady in her 30s! 😉

NaBloPoMo November 2013

A few months, ago a friend of mine came off the pill for the first time in 7 years. ‘I can’t believe how much I’ve been missing out on! I’m never going back on it again!’ She enthused to me.

I totally understood where she was coming from. You see, I haven’t taken female contraception for nearly 10 years. And what with us settled into our 30’s, the alleged age when women hit their sexual peak (I can confirm its true and only gets better!) there was seriously a lot she was missing out on!

This week I read the following Article in The Guardian.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/29/young-women-going-off-pill-contraception-birth-control?CMP=twt_gu

I began thinking of my own views and experience of female contraception.

So you already know that I’m one of those women who refuse to use female contraception. It feels liberating! And I know I’m not the only woman who feels this way!

There we go, my admissions on the table. Judge me people! Go on I know you want to! Done?

If I’m honest I don’t totally remember the background as to why I decided to give up on female contraception. The horrendous periods were a factor. I can’t say weight gain was a factor because straight up, I eat too much and can’t blame that on anything but myself! I had been on the pill or hormone shots from the ages of 16 to 24 and had somehow managed to get pregnant, twice! (No that isn’t a misprint!) So I had a 1 year old and a 2 year old and decided to come off the pill, which seeing it in writing sounds absolutely crazy! But, within a few months I felt for the first time in my life, in control of my body. I began to have regular periods and the older I got, the more able I felt I was to determine when I was fertile and more likely to get pregnant.

Now I would like to point out that if I was in a casual relationship, there is no way on earth I would have sex with the person without using a condom. Do I think I should have to pump myself full of artificial hormones to satisfy a mans desire to go ‘bare back’? Hell no! At the end of the day, where has he been? Sexual health and the increasing spread of STI’s for me comes primary before getting pregnant. And as long as that is the main concern then there should be little to no chance of an accidental or unwanted pregnancy.

So in my ‘secure’ relationship (inverted commas as there’s a bigger story to that which we’ll save for another day!) we weren’t using contraception and was using the withdrawal method, or voodoo as described in the article and it did work. 5 years passed and all was fine. But then, to put a bit of a clinical spin on it, the conditions were right and low and behold after six weeks of sun, sea and sangria, oh and a fair amount of sex I came back to England with a bun in the oven! This is what happens when you have a lot of idol time on your hands, sperm decides to shake the game up a bit!

So here I am now, 4 years later with the most beautiful surprise baby. Have I learnt from my lesson? Yes, but I’m still not going on the pill, ever. Maybe that means I haven’t learnt anything from my experience!

Anyway, I began to think of Catholic/Latin American/Patriarchal concepts of women, La Malinche, Marianismo, the Madonna versus the whore. I even went up to the gigantic box hidden away in my room to see if any of my old uni books had anything on the subject but couldn’t be bothered to search hard enough! So in the end I just sat and thought a bit more and these are the questions that kept coming up.

Now I stress, I’m not a scientist, I have not researched any of this and am just coming up with thoughts off the top of my head, but, what if this pill which was meant to sexually liberate women does the actual opposite? Would scientific research if undertaken suggest that female contraception in fact suppresses a woman’s sexual urges? If this so happened to be the case, is it not then that women are in fact even more repressed than 60 years ago? Is it so, that the only thing female contraception liberates women from is unexpected or unwanted pregnancy? Because it sure as hell does not liberate women from sexually transmitted infections!

I view my body, in that it is meant to enjoy sexual activity, as it is, in it’s natural state, without the interference of any extra hormones. I think men should be responsible for their own sexual health by using condoms. If you love yourself it’s the least you can do! As much as, a woman doesn’t know where a man has been and vice versa.

Who feels liberated within their life these days? Work, family, juggling the bills, it all takes it toll. I’m just happy I feel in control of my body. And the only repression taking place in my bedroom is that of the noises coming out of my mouth!

NaBloPoMo November 2013