Archive for November, 2013

You know when you’re going through a period in your life when you’re a bit bored, and to be honest, it feels like there’s a bit of a drought going on, what do you do? Give online dating a shot of course!

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who makes crazy, impulsive, random decisions with their life?

I don’t know what I was thinking. The drought hadn’t even been that long. At most a couple of weeks. Alright, I’ll hold my hands up! I just wanted to try something new! There, my admission is on the table, should I even continue?

So that urge to do something ridiculously impulsive, which I have quite often, (yesterday I had the urge to open a free school. I’ll have it up and running in a year ya’ know!), took hold of me, and next thing I know I’ve signed up for this online dating website, have a profile with the best picture I could find and I’m having to block a load of weirdos! Actually, that’s a bit harsh, surprisingly the weirdo men were few and far between.

What I loved about this online dating adventure was that I got to choose exactly what I was looking for. So my criteria was a non religious man in his thirties, (that would be different now, as you know from my previous posts I’m only after the toy boy!) and I wasn’t fussed about looks, (obviously not so bad that I have to put a paper bag over his head!). I made it clear that if they were looking for a partner to have kids with they were barking up the wrong tree. Been there, done that, and have more than one t-shirt thank you very much.

So I managed to sift through all of the losers thinking I had mug written across my head and actually started chatting to some guys who seemed as ‘normal’ as me and had profiles that weren’t a load of cods wallop.

Low and behold, I then came across a guy who lived quite local to me, same age range, he had a kid and worked in a similar field to me. He wanted to exchange numbers, so we did! He had a delicious French accent. We spoke (mainly me!) for an hour so I figured it must be real because it would be pretty hard to pull off a fake accent for that long! At the end of our chat and all the ‘voulez vous couchez avec moi’ (no! I’m lying! Just wanted to throw in some francais!). Sorry, at the end of our chat we arranged to go on a date.

I want to say we had a very pleasant date, but the word pleasant means ‘giving a sense of happy satisfaction or enjoyment’, so let’s just say the date was not unpleasant. We spoke, drank wine, I laughed a lot, at my own jokes, he was boring. Anyway, he wanted to meet again so I agreed. He wasn’t weird or crazy and I thought that maybe I should give it another go. Maybe he was shy and there was a personality hidden somewhere. Deep. Down. In. The. Depths. Somewhere.

Date number two arrived and we met in the West End. I wanted to arrive early so I could do some shopping at Bravissimo, the big booby bra shop but as I suffer from a chronic time keeping syndrome it made that little escapade impossible.

We headed off to a restaurant and I just could not be arsed with the small talk. Straight up this dude was boring. The sound of his voice was delightful but he just wasn’t lively enough. After being tanked up with plenty of wine (once I start I can’t stop!) he asked what I planned to do for the rest of the day, so I told him that actually, I plan to go lingerie shopping. ‘Oh you go Ann Summers?’ He asks full of sexy French innocence! So I asked him if he knew what Ann Summers was. Well supposedly, he thought Ann Summers was the only lingerie shop in the world! If I want crotchless knickers then yes! But we live in England and it’s a bit cold for that.

Seeing that the conversation had gone from zero to Sex Shops, I decided to give him the best weekend of his boring life and take him lingerie shopping with me, to Bravissimo, not Ann Summers! Don’t worry, I didn’t let him come in the changing room!

He tried to call me for a couple of months, probably thought his luck was in after seeing all those big bras, but for me, apart from the accent there was nothing there, so that was that.

Or as the French say, fin.

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Now as much as i enjoy hearing about how great my 3 year old is, after a long day at work, the last place I wanted to go to at 6pm was his parents evening. I know that probably has me slipping into the ‘bad mum’ bracket but I just felt exhausted. Furthermore, my 2 older kids had been home since 4pm and hadn’t realised that they would have to wait until at least 7pm for me to arrive home, let alone make them dinner! Once I did arrive home I realised they had made up for my lack of parenting by eating an entire tub of ice cream! I haven’t mentioned it, I’m pretending it never happened.

So back to parents evening. I arrived 15 minutes early, which anyone who knows me will realise that this is a miracle in itself. The staff were frantically making sure all the children’s reports were ready to hand to parents and were also putting the finishing touches to the hall.

Do you want to know what those finishing touches involved?

They involved making sure that you, as a parent, are attending the best parents evening you could imagine. You will not want to leave parents evening. You will will want to attend parents evening every week!

Lined up along the table were bottles of wine. White, red, rose, take your pick! Further along a selection of party food, chicken nibbles, sausage rolls, cocktail sausages and quiche.

I then saw a member of staff dash to the staff room and run back in, cd in hand. She puts it on and the manager shouts across the room, ‘Turn it up! We need it louder!’

Suddenly the sweet sounds of children singing? No, doesn’t sound like it. Take That? Hmmm I don’t think it is….

…SHABBA RANKS!!!! The sweet sound of SHABBA RANKS, Mr Loverman began to blast from the speaker!!!

Schools and teachers take note, THAT is how you do a parents evening! Alcohol, food and one two bogle is guaranteed to make a parents evening more enjoyable for all involved!

Same time next week?

Want

Posted: November 26, 2013 in NaBloPoMo, Poems
Tags: , , , , ,

I
Want
You
Just once
To take me in
Your arms
Tilt my face
Take in
Every part of me
I
Want
You
To lower your lips
Onto mine
Just once
To see if it feels
Right
Nice
Enough
I
Want
You
More and more
As the days
Blend seamlessly
Into one
Just once
I
Want
To
Know
That
You
Want

I bought myself this today.

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‘A mini vibrating body massager’. I thought it would be an easy cheap way to take out some of those knots in my back caused from the ever increasing stress levels.

I haven’t used it yet but, it has been tried out, by not one, but two men. Not on each other! Hahaha! No, the show I had to witness, on two separate occasions was them rubbing MY body massager all over their nipples!

Alright, so I was laughing more than annoyed which probably egged them on a bit but after the second occasion when I finally got my massager back, with a parting message of make sure I think about where it’s been when I actually use it on myself, I was left thinking what on earth is that all about? Why do men get so excited when they see anything that vibrates? And what the hell is going on with stimulating their nipples in public???

I was thinking do I really care about men’s nipples that much to find out more about them? No, not really, but I can’t be arsed to get on with the work I’m supposed to be doing tonight so I had a look on the net to find out more about men, their nipples and the excitement at seeing something that vibrates.

I’m not even going to share the question/answer page I found on Cosmo that referred to mens nipples as N-zones, headlights and bulls-eyes! *palm face* Why am I even doing this?

I did find this article that may have some male nipple facts that you may find of some interest. http://mattyj9999.hubpages.com/hub/25-Things-That-you-Didnt-Know-About-Mens-Nipples

And that’s about it, I gave up!

I now have to run because I have to put in an order for 3 more body massagers. One of the guys wants one for each nipple!

NaBloPoMo November 2013

I happened to come across this year old MSN article today. http://m.now.msn.com/sex-makes-people-happiest-per-new-study.

It’s about a study conducted by a university in New Zealand on what makes people happiest and sex and alcohol scored above caring for children! So I had an amusing few hours sharing the article with friends and seeing what their responses were.

The best response was from a friend who said ‘…to cheer myself up I’m going to go have a drink and have sex in Westfield. Don’t worry about the boys they will be fine. I will wait til they’re eating lol…’

I’m still laughing now at that one! Another was quick to point out that sex and alcohol is what led to us having kids! Who am I to argue with that!

I want to know if this is how the majority of us are feeling. Are we really going to put sex and booze above our kids? Don’t get me wrong, I love a good binge drinking and shag fest but I’ve never actually wondered if it’s what makes me feel happiest. Mainly because they’re momentary activities compared to the day in day out of being with and caring for your children, which as most parents know is not a bed of roses but brings such an array of emotions; joy, sadness, amazement, pride, anger, frustration, an inexhaustible list. Emotions that make us feel alive, emotions that tell us everyday that we are living.

So just for fun, I have set up a survey for you all to do. Think long and hard about your answers. I’ve done mine and a few hours later I’m wishing I could change them! Typical!

Share the survey with your friends and I’ll let you know the results in a week!

Click here to take survey\ }

NaBloPoMo November 2013

I think I’m perimenopausal. I know it doesn’t even sound like a real word, but I promise you it is, I checked the Oxford Dictionary to make sure!

According to my Women’s Health Bible, (1 of my best purchases ever!) ‘…You may notice typical patterns as your body begins the 4- to 10-year transition out of its reproductive phase and into the perimenopause …’

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So this is the part where I tell you all far too much information about myself! For 8 or 9 years I have had a 28 day cycle. The only time that changed was when I was pregnant and after having baby number 3 it went back to normal. But, this year that has all changed. About 8 months ago my cycle changed to 25 days, quite annoying but at least I’m not second guessing if the withdrawal method has failed me… Again!

So I was getting used to that when, in September, I began having hot flushes. Now they really are a pain! Anyone who has hot flushes will know how uncomfortable and at times unbearable they are. That feeling of heating up from within and it rising to the surface, feeling a bit heady, and then struggling to find a way to cool down.

I begin getting used to the hot flushes too when nature decides to change things up again. Last month my cycle was 29 days and this month it was 30 days. Now I’m not to keen on the longer cycles. I spent all day yesterday trying to decide whether to buy a pregnancy test or not!

The thing that is making me a tad confused though is that I’m only 34. Am I too young for this to be starting? Is it normal? Or am I being my usual over the top self trying to find a drama in a period?

NaBloPoMo November 2013

I haven’t been able to sit down and write properly over the past week as all my focus has been taken up with a mini exhibition and performance for a 3 week literary and language festival called Words Over Waltham Forest #WOW.

Earlier in the year I put forward a proposal to perform Our Community, Our Word, Our Voice in the festival and it was accepted! I was absolutely thrilled as that meant that the voluntary organisation I run was not only going to have the chance to perform, but we were also featured in a programme with really high profile, Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy, best selling authors such as Martina Cole and Dorothy Koomson, as well as some pretty fantastic, established organisations.

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My voluntary organisation has only been up and running since January, and for the past few weeks I have been beating myself up over whether it was the right thing to get myself involved with quite a big event so soon!

Over the past 2 months, mothers who attend the sessions we run have been participating in workshops run by 2 of my closest friends, on the role of women and other related topics. Much of the work and discussion has looked at words. Words that explain how we feel as women, how we are perceived, what we like and more. This all contributed to the display that my sister in law on the left helped me put together.

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My thought process behind this was that words and the definitions that we read in the dictionary can seem baron, almost clinical. But, as women (and humans!) we bring those words to life. As we give words a voice, we give them colour, we create the meaning, we give words emotions. We are the words.

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This evening the children attending the workshops performed poems, speeches about how wonderful and diverse the borough we live in is and music. The night was magical!

To top it off, a good friend of mine danced with his group Goldrush. He taught the other members of the group to dance around 8 or 9 years ago and they just keep on getting better! One of the guys is Godson who was in the final of Got to Dance so it was a pretty amazing surprise for the audience and to the end of a great night!

NaBloPoMo November 2013